Timely Decisions

Time, a perception of passing conjured by the human mind so that we may have a reference to our place in the universe. Its is merely a perception, something without substance or tangible matter that is as relevant as we wish it to be. It passes as quickly or as slowly as we percieve it to pass. Meaning that what may feel like an hour to one person may seem like seconds to another. We have definitions for time and how long specific periods of time are but they are only so that there is a common frame of measurement and reference among us as a specie. Perhaps if other intelligent social life exists those lifeforms may measure time in a different way, have differing meanings of measurement for it, or perhaps they have no concept of the passing of time. But regardless of how other life may or may not percieve and measure it, we do and that is both relevant and important.

For me time is something that passes slowly most of the time. Why? Because I wish it to pass slowly so that I might be able to take the time to look around and study things, to understand those other things that are relevant to me and important to me. Lately though time has seemed...more relevant than I wish it too. This is partially because of the passing of my father, which led me to view myself in a different light. It was something of a passing of a mantle, no longer was I able to sit in the shadow of a man I viewed as larger than myself, I was forced to step forward and be seen in the light, the gaze of other family members directed upon me. I stand now in that light in defiance of them, they see me as less than my father, weaker and easier to manipulate, but they are finding me more defiant and more cunning than he was.

But time has become more relevant because I look at the changes to come and the changes that have already come and now realize that there is a timetable for these things, mostly because they involve other people and goals that are dependent upon the idea of time. While this is neither a bad nor a good thing, I am finding it....disconcerting. I find it thus because of impending changes on a 6 month time span, decisions must be made and those decisions will affect more than me and I will be forced to partially decide for others, something that has never sat well with me, though it has happened all too often.

I often find it a cruel joke that I am, too often for my liking, defined as a tyrant or a leader (depending on who is doing the defining) but that, for myself, I would prefer to be neither. Making decisions for others has never been something I care to do. What people confuse for a desire to control is merely a desire to observe and offer commentary or, when it is solicited, advice. Typically what happens when I offer advice is either someone asking "what else should I do?" or "dont tell me what to do", though I wasnt offering to make a decision nor implying that a person SHOULD do one thing or another. More and more I am finding people to be over-reacting one way or another, and occasionally under-reacting.

There are other things affecting me, which led to me writing this, though I dont care to put them down for all the world to see. I would kill for a little true relaxation and peace of mind, but there is work to be done and others are both relying and depending on me, I cannot let them down nor can I let myself down. Est Sulars Oth Mithas.

Even Gods Die

So last wednesday, Feb. 16th, I found out my father passed away on Jan. 4th, 2011. I found out because a cousin sent me a facebook message saying "Was Gary Stengar your father?" and there was something about the "was" that gave me a bad feeling. I googled my fathers name, Gary Gale Stengar, and found his obituary. There was a feeling of disbelief, and I truly didnt believe it. I had to check with other family members to find out it was true. Odd that I could find them to contact them but not the other way around.

Dad and I hadnt been getting along very well these past few years. I hadnt seen him in nearly a year, hadnt emailed him in months and talked to him in almost a year. Though he wasnt always present, his presence was always here with me. I miss him more than words can ever hope to express, I feel a great sense of loss and the absence of that warm presence hurts so much. I can only hope that he died knowing how much I loved him, I know that he loved me.

Gary Stengar wasnt a man who openly expressed his feelings easy but everytime we had to part he told me he loved me and told me to be good. It may not seem like much to some but to me it meant everything. He was a big man, full of love and intelligence. I remember the strength in his arms when he'd give me a hug, the bold laughter so full of life. He died of a heart attack, in his sleep, he always said he wished to die in his sleep.

Even now its hard to think of him as gone. To me he was larger than life, falable but invincible. He was my ideal of what a man should be. I could have seen him anytime I wanted, but chose not to. Now he's gone and I'll never be able to see him again, never be able to hug him and tell him how proud I am to be his son, talk with him about things, never be able to introduce him to a girlfriend, never be able to invite him to my wedding, show him his grandchildren, I will never see my father again and for that I will never be able to forgive myself.

I love you Dad and I will miss you so much.

Shawn Vincent Stengar

Some writings.

I got bored one night and decided to write some things. Its not based on anything other than thoughts, ect. It IS of an erotic nature, just a forwarning.

It didn’t matter how often they made love, how often they had sex, how often they fucked because each and every time he saw her naked it was like seeing her for the first time all over again. Perhaps such feelings could be attributed to his youth, the fact that they didn’t see each other all that often or maybe it was just lust but it didn’t matter.

Perfection was the way he could best describe her, not the perfection of some magazine or popular idea but the perfection in the idea of a creator. Society termed people underweight, overweight, too curvy, not curvy enough, and all points in-between but what mattered to him was her and how she appeared in his minds eye, how she felt in his big hands, the way she conformed to his body, everything else was useless nonsense. She was perfection beneath his fingertips.

Their love life was a myriad of things, but anything besides boring. She was looking at him with those eyes, eyes that betrayed a great sense of intelligence both inward and outward. Awaiting his touch she was becoming impatient. Tonight was not about exercising her dominance over him or his over her, it was about need and desire. They hadn’t seen each other in awhile and they both wanted each other, though individually they both believed they wanted the other more than the opposite.

His eyes moved up over the her petite feet, over the slightly curved calves to the graceful incline of her hips to the cinch of her waist, up to the swell of her beautiful breasts to that face that so commanded his thoughts all too often. As his eyes moved so to did those large hands until they rested lightly on her throat, a touch that meant everything between them, control, trust, lust.

Then I decided to write a little more.

Her throat made a guttural primal sound as his hand traveled over the pale warm flesh of her body. The sound was pleasing in many ways, it spoke of her desire for him, the need for his touch, and the pleasure at having received it. That sound meant everything to him, it had become her mating call for him and it never ceased to work.

It stemmed from when they had first met. He had taken her to a movie, she had been talking to him for years but this was the first time they had truly met in person, until this point they were merely two thoughts digitally connected by their mutual interests in various things. But now they were together, though it was nothing more than a dusty movie theatre that smelled of stale popcorn and even staler soda. As they watched the move he had casually reached over and placed his large warm hands on the cold pale skin of her exposed neck and involuntarily she had uttered that sound, the sound that would forever entrance him. Neither spoke a word but both knew that there was a spark of something between them more powerful than simple words.

Now as she uttered that sound yet again he felt a need to breed her. It was amazing how much happens without realizing it, how much works with and against you in those lust filled moments. The smell of her sex, her wetness filling the small bedroom, the sound of it as his fingers slowly explored her wetness. Between sound and smell there are few words that could ever compare to those twin powers.

Nothing will ever be able to move a man as much as smell, it can bring back the fondest memories, perfume the air and control his mind, and bring him to his very knees if used properly. No matter what that smell is, it can be something as simple as baking cookies or as complex as the primal wetness of his lovers scent filling his nostrils.

The sound of her wetness, the sounds of their mating, the audible noise of moans, groans, and gurgles are only a step below the sense of smell. No musical instrument or song can ever hope to match the sound of a unique mating call or the sound of passionate love making.

She was his and was showing it to him in every possible way, even if she didn’t know it. He was taking time to savor those sounds, those smells, and the sight of his own perfection that was her incredible body. The longer he waited the more sounds she made, the more she writhed in front of him, and the stronger her scent became. Its in moments like these that time simply becomes relative, becomes only a perception and where immortality becomes real.

So then I decided to do one more lol

Anger, one of the worlds finest and purest of emotions. Its taste in the mind is that of a hot cider, warm and fiery with a pleasant taste. It clouds the mind of better judgment, but feels clear and fluid.

His eyes burned into her, deep brown eyes of fury that threatened to sear the flesh from her bones. She had made the mistake of ignoring him and nothing infuriated him more, nothing drove him to madness quite like being ignored. But why? Why had she ignored him she wondered, feeling herself sweat beneath the heat of his stare. Was it on purpose to get him to show he cared or was it merely a mistake?

Every muscle told him to teach the wretched bitch a lesson, to teach through pain and misery, to make her wear the marks of her mistakes. But even as the anger flooded his mind the better part of him would have none of it. Pain was what she craved, she enjoyed it, but turn about is fair play in such games. He simply arched an eyebrow and smoothed a hand along her bare shoulders.

She looked up at him with a pleading gaze, practically asking to be taught her lesson, begging to shown the error of her ways. As he touched her, that guttural moan left her lips and her flesh warmed beneath his touch. She expected it would get much warmer if the anger in those deep brown eyes had anything to say about it.

He too felt the reaction in her flesh, in her eyes, in her soul. But no pain came, he would inflict no harm upon her. It would only giver her what she wished and would give him little satisfaction. No, he would give her what she gave him, he would ignore her. With an evil little smile he patted her head, turned on his heel and shut the door behind him.

And that was pretty much it. I find it theraputic in a way, exciting sometimes, and other times it just feels creative.

Grey horizons

Lord almighty its been one of those months, well 2 months. Felt like I'm losing my mind at first, then it turned to just generally being less than happy. I supposed I should be pleased that the first part was just stress but the second part....I dunno. Realizing I wasnt actually in a relationship really didnt do my over stressed mind any good. Never was good at the friends with benefits thing, always want more and that was the case here. But such is the nature of some things and one is forced to move on.

Gallery of Memories

Was doing something for a friend tonight, sorta involved me attempting to draw...lol...yeah if you've ever seen me attempt it then you know how funny it ends up looking. Anyway I was doing that, opened up a little notepad and it had a message, which I had already read a long time ago, for me from an ex, just her email address but it brought a swell of....past pleasent thoughts to mind.

Like most humans I live not only in the present, the hopes for my future, but also in the memories of my past. I like to think of memories as pieces of art that I can look at whenever I please, my own personal gallery. This thought was pleasent and brought a smile to my lips, I remembered how beautiful she is, how sweet and kind she could be, and how I saw so much potential in her. When I think back to her I hear slow jazz music and I see that gorgeous face smiling at me and I'm there again for a moment.

The same is true when I look back at other memories of other exes, family members, friends, ect. The mind's memories is a gallery of art and in each room the appropriate music is playing for those memories.

I think of my grandmother and no matter what the memory, happy or sad, it brings tears to my eyes. The weight of such loss, the refusal to accept death as a natural portion of life weighs on me, brings those tears out that few other things in this world can.

I love my memories with all my heart and soul, as I love the tears. It reminds me of my humanity, that I can feel like anyone else.

Exploring the Ego

The human mind fascinates me, all the various facets we show of who we truly are. Do we ever truly know who we really are? Or are we merely the sum of all those facets, never truly speaking in the same continuous voice. As time goes on and I learn more the more I am convinced that psychology is my calling. I LOVE literature but its a personal interest, there is so much more I can do with a psychology degree, to help my fellow man. Naturally I understand the minds of others far better than I could ever hope to understand my own but such is always the nature of those who hope to heal.

Dont get me wrong, I realize I'll never be the same as a surgeon who can see first hand the healing natures of his work but I like to think that what I do will be able to heal the mind and soul both. I just need to find a way to heal myself. My relationship with my father, continued grieving for my late maternal Grandmother, lack of romance in life, failed relationships, ect. But that which does not kill you makes you stronger right?

I often wonder if I'm losing touch with friends, I see them, I talk to them but understand them? Some of them are facing relationship issues of their own and it feels like there is nothing I can do to help. I'm told that its not my duty to save everyone, to solve everyones problems....that doesnt mean that I dont have a strong desire to. Someone once instilled in me a belief that my friends and family are my court and I am their Lord, if that is true then I have neglected them and it feels as if it is my duty to use my wisdom and whatever power or influence I have to assist them. This is my nature I suppose, to desire to help, to heal, to solve the problems of others and go forth and help to smooth away the troubles. In return they pay tribute to my ego and, like a gracious Lord, I merely smile and nod, saying that it was my privelage to be of assistance.

Its funny that the two people who instilled that idea and my ego are gone and the other I havent talked to since she moved home. Oddly I find my thoughts turning to the one who built my ego, she is married and has a kid now, her life is a far cry from what she wanted but hopefully it makes her happy. She built up my ego, helped to shape that which now sits here typing. She was beautiful in those days, radiant and gorgeous. The other is and will always be a friend, we simply do not have much contact or perhaps use for one another.

What I seek now is someone who at least begins to understand these thoughts, that can inspire me to greater things and whom I can help, who needs me. She could be a whole world away, proximity has rarely been an issue for me, I simply need the other person so that we can work towards a common goal and continue to produce new great goals for the future.

Shawn

The Almighty

So a friend of mine was watching a History channel special about God and some of the things done in the old testament. Its been thought that perhaps because of God anger that he has commited sin by killing those he was angry with. IE Soddom and Ghmorra, the whole world except for Noah and his family, ect. However what is not understood here is that rational thought of mankind does NOT apply to God. Personally I'm a special breed of agnostic called a "Humanist" and so generally I dont agree with traditional style thoughts. But in traditional dogma and doctorine for nearly every religion who believes in a singular supreme being they alla gree that this beyond is above and beyond us. Remember that God didnt just creat man and the world but the entire universe in which it sits. The very stars in the sky, the great black expanse betweent he stars and every law known to the galaxy were said to have been set in place by this singular being and through its will alone the universe and all its inhabitants continue to exist. The laws and ideals he set down for us to follow do not apply to him. Think of it as a child, children are given a bedtime, taught to eat their dinner before their dessert but these things do not apply to the parents. To say we are merely children in the presence of such a being, if one existed, is a severe understatment. So yes in many ways its a "Do I say, not as I do" but its more than that, your questioning the wisdom of a being who is past, present, and future who see and knows all.

As for me, well no matter what the case with God is what I believe is that we are the important part. We arent Gods, we dont have the luxury of immortality, all knowing minds, all seeing eyes, and omnipresence. We are human and we have short existences, we have flawed intellects, and eyes that do not always see what they should. As a people we must be concerned with each other first and foremost, we must endure together through faith in each other and believe in each other. Through one another all things are possible, we can do anything so long as we struggle to do so together. We WILL stumble along the way and will make mistakes but through those mistakes we will learn, we will persevere. We should be thankful for our existence yes, but not to the point where we abandon one another in order to seek the blessing of our creator, rather we should honor our lives by making the most of it.

Shawn

Lost

Lost, its really the only way to describe how I feel. I am not without hope, without dreams its just that I dont know how to follow them or which one I want to follow. I dont know when I first became lost, only that I am. Most days I spend in a fog, barely noticing that the day goes by. One day is pretty much the same as the next. Even my desire to write, which was once a burning passion, is nothing more than an occasional whim. I feel a great deal of inspiration trapped within me but know not how to access it.

I am unsure of many things in my life. But the thing that bothers me the most is romance. Its different being single this time, in the past I desperately sought out other people, exes whom it didnt work with simply because I couldnt stand the thought of being alone. In the past I sought the counsel of friends, asking questions that they did not have the answers to when I should have been asking myself those questions. I could use some clairty about now, something to put things in perspective.

My nephew grows more each day, perhaps he puts a few things in perspective for me. I want nothing more than for him to grow and to know his Uncle and I wish to be an Uncle he can look up to and feel pride in. In turn I wish to help him grow to know peace and intelligence in himself, to have the wisdom that his father simply does not have. Would that he might one day have an Aunt who accompanies his Uncle.

I know that I need to return to school, I've been away too long and I need to go back. I need to learn, to study and grow again. Perhaps the answers I seek are in knowledge I have yet to learn and perhaps in seeking that knowledge I will find someone to share the journey with me. Now I just need to find my way back to school.

Shawn

Melancholy

Listening to The Rose, the Lean Rimes version. I guess it was done by Bette Midler first ubt I like the sound of Rimes voice better. Good song though, kinda makes me wanna write again but I find I'm still have inspirational problems. Could be from a lot of things though, Grandma's death, failed desires, failed relationships, hard to say.

Finally saw Donnie Darko about a week ago, absolutely loved it. Ive heard the song "Mad World" a lot of times and I've always liked it but now that I've seen the movie I totally understand it better now, go figure. Always like the line "I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad the dreams in which I'm die'ing are the best I've ever had...". Feeling rather melancholy tonight, its that feel that somethings not quite right, just off a bit. I dunno. Could be that its Valentines day next weekend and this just isnt what I had planned it on being. A friend brought over Dragonage: Origins though and I suppose that'll kinda fill some of my time for now.

Getting taxes back soon, wanna go somewhere for a few days, hopefully San Fransisco or something in California, maybe cmaping in the redwoods when winter is more or less through.

Food

Food, absolutely love it. I am a fan of almost all things food. Great amounts of enjoyment can be found in making your own meal, carefully preparing the ingredients and skillfuly crafting them into something wonderful. But there is also much to be said for eating out, enjoying the creations of a fine restraunt or even a fast food place. Personally I'm partial to KFC, theres something about the mashed potatoes and gravy, and the chickens ok although not as good as I remember it being years ago. Taco Hell, McDonalds, Burger King are all places I eat when I have a craving for junk food or just dont have much time for anything else, not a huge fan of those particular places.

When it comes to finer dining I can think of several places that I have enjoyed over the years. One is the Greek Deli in Portland OR., their food is simply amazing, even more so for their fair pricing. I'm not overly picky about my food but I am rather critical of desserts. They have some of the best baklava Ive had.
At home theres plenty of seafood restraunts I love but Benettis, an Italian restraunt, is defiantely a favored restraunt. Its the whole style of the place that I like. Particularly the fact that its casual, it feels like an Italian home. I know the owner and operator, several of the waiter/waitresses and I have always felt welcome there. I dont think I've ever had a bad meal there either.
However if I'm going to have seafood at home I think the Hilltop House is the one place I can always trust to have superior seafood, fresh and expertly prepared. They also haves stuffed mushrooms like Ive never had before and cant imagine I will again.
Las Vegas is definately a city I could stay in for a year and never eat at the same place twice if I didnt want. Although secluded in the middle of the mojave desert they have some of the best foods both seafood and otherwise that is always fresh, imported daily. I cant begin to count the number of different places I've eaten there but the Rainforest Cafe, although not only in Las Vegas, is one of the best in the city for its unique dining exerpience.
San Fransisco is another city I cant imagine finding a bad meal in. I was once at a small restraunt in China Town that was situated above another business and they had the most excellent pot stickers. Since that time I've eaten a lot of different pot stickers in different restaunt and most havent been that bad but this place was the best, hands down and I wish I could remember the name of it. I had breakfast the next morning along the whorf and I had scrambled eggs, corn beef and hash and it was freaking amazing. It wasnt overpowering on the seasoning, it was perfect.
The last time I was in Spokane, WA. I ate at this little restaunt with my ex-girlfriend and her friend and their burgers were fantastic. It was everything about the burger, they toasted the bun perfectly, made the burger just a little pink in the center, used a blend of things in their own sauce and their deserts were.....well interesting. It was the deep friend twinkie smothered in chocolate sauce and sprinkled with powdered sugar and cinnanom that caught my attention when her friend was talking about it, though my blood sugar and body just werent brave enough to even attempt that suicide mission.

Silver Lining.

Almost Valentines day, and this year I'm single. I say single instead of alone because....I dont really feel alone right now. I have loyal friends, and it just doesnt feel as alone. The last relationship was funa t first but it didnt work out, it didnt end with yelling or bad feelings. I think we both realized it just wasnt working. To me....thats a step in the right direction, that it wasnt something I was lacking, wasnt something I did wrong. We just werent working because we have different wants, different ideas of what life should be....and thats ok.

There's a girl I'm interested in but I dont wanna jump into anything, and frankly we have all the time in the world. There are other things I need to get accomplished first. I wanna go back to school, I wanna get to know someone really well, I want them to be interested in my writing, enjoy what I have to say and be my best friend as well as my lover. As it turns out I still have a great deal of hope for the world, go figure. I even have faith in mankind.

Ironically I wrote that last part as my head turned to watch a guy fake cumming on 40 Days and 40 Nights. If you havent seen it, watch it, damned funny. So I feel kinda random. You might ask what brings on this random celebration, well I had dessert with the ex tonight and it was good. We talked, she asked me to move in with her and her friend but I told her that her extracurricular lifestyle doesnt work with me and I just wouldnt tolerate living with it. But it was good cause she was ok with that and understood even if she wasnt happy about it.

I'm also looking forward to seeing Yellowstone this summer, Yosemite last year was incredible and there are times when I'm tired and laying in the bathtub that images of it still fill my mind. Always been a lover of nature. I'd love to go somewhere like that in the winter with someone, romantic getaway type of thing. Which makes me miss a friend who stayed with me for like 2 weeks recently, it was nice to have someone here to distract me from over analyzing myself.

Well I'm off to have a late dinner with another friend.

Friends Are Fish

I have to know myself better than I ever believed possible in the last few years. I know my strengths but more importantly I know my weaknesses and I embrace both whole heartedly. I have come to know the value of true undying frindship that is beyond any measure. It is holding someone in your arms till they fall asleep and kissing their forhead, it is laughing at completely moronic things that are funny simply because the moment is right and you connect with each other. Its something that cannot defined with a value because it is far too precious. A friend is many things, they are your confidant, your strength, your one weakness, your moral compass and your guiding star, they are a fish who makes funny faces because your both tired but you need to laugh. This wont make any sense to most people and thats ok, it makes sense to me and its a memory that will edure forever.

Drama

Got up early and watched Repo: The Genetic Opera, love that movie sooo much. Why you might ask? Cause its really really dramatic and I love that in a movie. Its the same reason I like the Star Wars movies, they're bigger than life and extremely dramatic and thats very cool to me. I know a lot of people are always telling me they avoid all drama in their lives but I think they forget that the drama is desperately needed and you can get it without actually living it.

For the moment I'm happy with the relative lack of serious drama in my life. Taesha hasnt really talked to me in about 3 weeks or so and thats helped. Exes can really throw your life into chaos at times. This new girl is definately interesting to say the absolute least and I forsee very good things in the future. I was telling a friend this morning that life works one of two ways, you either go with the flow of the universe and have faith that fate will carry you on the stral winds to the places where you are meant to be OR you take hold of the planets and align them to alter the flow to your will. The problem with altering the flow of the astral winds is that you MUST be willing to follow through with the alterations, even if they have negative consequences. I alter the flow. It seems to be working for me.

I have a friend staying with me for a few days over the weekend so if I'm out of contact, my apologies. This weekend is the guilds Christmas party. For those of you not in the guild or game, I'm reffering to the World of Warcraft guild that I run. We're a family, we play together for social reasons, try not to let it get too serious, have fun and be there for each other. In some ways the game binds us, although I'm told that I am the binding glue for them.

I think I may have had too much acid for breakfast, just had a bunch of cut up pineapple and a couple glasses of orange juice and now my tongue stings a little. Oh well, I do love my fruits. Probably doesnt help that I probably have acid reflux too but havent checked with my doctor yet, should do that someday.

Got all of my Christmas shopping done early this year, kinda happy about that. Although i admit that holidays this year are things I just want to be over and done with. Every holiday serves to remind me that Grandma is gone and that it was beyond my control. But thats another story entirely I guess. Well I'm off to go watch Chicago, havent watched it in awhile and I'm feeling the music.

Another return

Man I just cant seem to post on a regular basis. Last post was in 2007? Wow, id try and recap whats been going on since then but.....well theres been so much. But chances are if your reading this then you know me and know a fair deal of what was going on, what is going on, and hell you probably know more than me about what may go on in the future.

So its winter, its been in the 20's and 30's here and thats not exactly normal. However we've had no snow, thats a good thing and a bad thing. I dont have to shovel snow from a driveway or worry about falling my ass down on ice but its still cold and I rather enjoy walks in the snow. But it does make me appreciate things like hot chili and hot chocolate.

So what does winter mean to you? Some cultures see winter as the ending of the year, an end to all things before the coming of the new. Others see it merely as the dormant side of nature as it gains its strength, waiting to unleash its spurt of growth and bring back the spark of life. I've always been a fan of the cold, a fan of winter. Some part of me sympathizes with the cold, feels a connection to it. But then its that same part of me that finds comfort in the darkness, the shadowy recesses of the world most people avoid. No I dont skulk about in dark alleys, this simply means that I prefer being in the dark as opposed to the light. As a small example I prefer Safeway to Wal-Mart for groceries not because of prices but because Safeways lighting is lower, less harsh whereas Wal-Mart uses a lot of bright lighting. I prefer to be up at night because its colder and darker and thats where I feel more comfortable. I do appreciate the light though, without the light we would never know the true essence of darkness, we would not have gold and orange sunsets over this most beautiful world.

So the one thing I will 'try' to avoid here is World of Warcraft talk, I have the guild website for that. To those that play, want to play or want to join us the site is http://www.guildportal.com/Guild.aspx?PageName=Home&GuildID=252923&TabID=2126324.

I should probably avoid politics to some degree. I'm not an Oboma fanatic but I'm not an Oboma hater either. Guys only been in office a year, not even that actually. I wanna see any other person go in and have any degree of success greater in your first time as a junior senator. The only person I really really dont like is Sarah Palin, I know her job is'nt easy either but good heavly fuck, does she really have to be that much of a spazz nut job? All it takes is a filter for the craziness in the brain. I have nut job ideas too but I dont say them outloud and have no intention of carrying through with them. Just have a little goddamned control already.
There need to be more guys like Kennedy, it was sad he died this year. He did more than either of his two brothers, he was a fighter and one of the better men in politics.

On a last more pleasent note, I've not been playing a whole lot of WoW lately and havent had the inclination to in the middle of the night lately cause I've been talking to someone online at night that is really cool. Definately happy about that, not everyday you make a good connection with someone. Thats all I'll say about that for now, dont wanna jinx anything.

Goodnight my loyal subjects, I leave you now to rejoice at Lord Shawns return.
Oh and your random quote for today is "At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet" -Plato

Lord Shawn

A Voice from the Void

Well its been about three years but I've returned. All that flash of MySpace finally got to me, too many prying eyes of the wrong kinds, too much confusion and not enough honesty. Maybe this time it will be different yes?

So i had a dream last night. It was interesting. What was it? There was a beautiful house, made of glass and stell with an indoor pool. It was next to a highway inside some major metropolitain city. Inside was an older gentlman with strange eyes, eyes like midnight. He seemed nice enough, I jumped out of a moving car to sneek into the house to see him. I pretended to knock on the door and he told me to come back in anyway. I did and we talked about something for hours, he told me things that changed my mind about everything, though I cannot remember the words. Then some men came, presumably a gang, and he sent me and his two servant girls away. The girls were young and beautiful but kind and nice. Inside the gang killed him. I saw myself in the dream as two people. I was one of the girls, a young African American girl and his death made me sad, then i was also myself and I was furious. I went back inside and killed three of the four men, the fourth was different. He was stronger, bigger. We fought for a bit with neither of us gaining the upper hand. Finally, enraged, I grabbed his collar and pulled him close. I looked into his eyes and saw another being within, something altogether alien. I warned him and others of his kind to leave us all be, to leave our world and never return. He did and I sensed that others of his kind left too. Then I was the girl again and I knew that thinks were ok now. I told the girl I was with too stay. She said she had to go, another girl came out and asked her to stay too. I saw them talking and there was a distinct attraction between them, my friend smiled and shyly agreed to stay. That was the end of it. It was strange, not a nightmare but more just an odd dream. Meaning perhaps? I dunno.

So I would assume that if your here reading this now its because of 1 of 2 things. Either you know me or you happened across this page somehow. If you just happened across this than feel free to stay and look around but know that I'm not here to please you, only to be honest with myself and reflect on ideas. On occasion there may be a hidden message meant to convey something or maybe its a message to someone but for the most part everything here is merely a conglomaration of things on my mind. The old posts are still here and your welcome to read them, but they are just that, old. Things have changed, illusions broken, life situations modified, and the world a new place in many ways.

Those things said, Im glad to have this page back. Not everything worked out the way I had so hoped it would have the last time I was here. As there has always been there are two parts to me, one part of me is glad to be alive and grateful for every day that I live. The other side is wounded, bleeding profusely from the chest, and losing strength with every step. I feel a coldness returning to me in a lot of ways, a numbness thats all too familiar. What caused this? Well it wouldnt be fair to blame it on one person. In truth its as much my fault as anyone elses. I allowed myself to be blinded by false hope and emotion, I failed to guard myself well enough and I fell prey to my own illusions, and I was almost consumed by them. My quest, my hope was fruitless and there was never any real chance from the moment I started down that road, the best I could have hoped for pales in comparison to what I truly wanted. But that, dear friends, is the nature of emotion, the nature of love itself. I've always said that love is neither good nor bad, that love is not a force of pure good. Love can hurt as much as it can heal and grow. Somehow I'm grateful for the experience, even if nothing came of it exactly I still got to touch love and it was truth, I was honest with myself in that moment more than I ever had been before or since. That moment was both miraculous and terrible, there was much pain in that moment and I could hardly bear the weight of it. The next day was one of fuming peace, the eye of the storm. I was allowed, for one day to be completely numb and at the same time I watched from behind this shield of numbness, I watched myself walking and talking with a friend that I couldnt feel more for and yet a part of me was furious at. What would come after that day was bad too, and things will never be the same. Now I look at those memories, like looking at pictures in a gallery. Im fond of them but I know that I cant go back to them, they live only in my mind and its there and there alone that I still remember what it felt like to think that there was still a hope, still a chance. There is a nostalgic sadness that I feel now, and even that is not lasting because I feel the coldness, the numbness returing. I'll hold out for as long as I can.

Quote Of The Day: "The gods trembled at what they had made, fear shown in each immortal eye as they beheld the birth of man" ~Unknown

I cant say that yesterday wasnt an interesting day towards its end. Normal for the most part up till the evening after an earthquake sounded off the Oregon coast and while I was at work in a call center that can house about 500 people they shut down all our calls and told us we were to evacuate the building and get as high as possible because a Tsunami was to hit in less than an hour. Of course there was a certain amount of disbelief, like it was some kind of drill, and a bit of panic as well. In the end I merely made my way home, as I had decided to walk to work that day, without the least bit of actual fear, a bit of aprehension but no fear. Whether the lack of fear was born from a sense that nothing would really happen or if it was hte contentness with life is hard to say, though I dont think it was the latter. Well that and the fact that a Tsunami's wall of water travels roughly around 80-100mph depending on the quake and the force driving the water and it happened some 80-90 miles off the coastline, so we'd have about an hour at most. In essence, what was going to happen was going to happen and the simple fact is that there is nothing we can do to control that, exceptattempt to get high enough where we hope it wont quite catch us. No use to panic and get in peoples way, merely hope that today isnt your day. Funny though cause work was trying toa dvise us to head towards the Church of Latter Day Saints and im a Catholic. Yeah yeah, I know I dont believe but I do go to church, ocassionally confession, and I bear a cross on my chest usually, its a symbol of mankinds faith in something, even if that faith is misplaced it speaks of our ancient comitment to something greater than ourselves. Now in truth im a believer of the opposite, im a believer in the power of mankind and not of some higher being, for we have in each of us the potential to be the lords of our own creation, the creator may be a hell of a being but it is we, the creation, that is greater for the creator is who it is but we are something different, newer, better, and far superior. This is not true for all creations, but it is for us.
I was going to make some points about some of the many follys and mockerys mankind has made in spite of itself but i'd rather end on this slightly upturned note.

SVS

---TRAVELER ON HOLD FOR THE MOMENT---

Quote Of The Day: "The common man is made of blood and bone, strong backs and weak minds Vedimeer. But it is we, those who dare to face the truth of the world and harness its magics and knowledge for our own that are exceptional, it is we that are made of stronger stuff of the mind." ~Lord Overon Minite I (Hearts Madness -The Overon Chronicles Volume 1-)

Well it seems we have a tenative title for the first Novel now, and no it isnt doen yet despite the fact that I said I wouldnt name it until it was done but I now have the entire thing worked out in my mind and it shouldnt be long now. I'm still looking desperately for a co-author and I think that it'll be Lips unless someone else would like to take a stab at it, remembering that whoever it is will have to be my partner, that means im not the boss im just as equal as the other person male or female. I took away the chat box there cause no one was using it often enough to warrant leaving it. If you want to leave a comment you can do so at the bottom of each post by clicking on "comments" or you can e-mail me at Quixote_Thoughts@yahoo.com. Looks like I might get promoted at work again, and I got another $00.25 raise again which puts me at about $8.50 per hour and im gonna be doin about 50+ hours at work for the next couple of weeks or so, still not workin saturdays there though.
Not sure if its the time of year, my age, something in the air, or what but man its been seeming more and more lonely lately. I handle it in stride like I do all things but it just seems to be on my mind more lately, which can sometimes be depressing. I guess that I'm lonely all of the time really but its just lately that ive been noticing it a whole hell of a lot more and knowing there isnt much I can do about it really infuriates me. Friend Sex or a one night stand wouldnt be so bad right now either, just for reference friend sex is basically friends with benefits type of relation and in my case thats FEMALE ONLY. Got nothing against being gay, just not my thing. Well I guess thats really all I have for the moment but ill be back im sure.


SVS

----Traveler Titles Will Return Later----

Quote Of The Day: "...How do you measure a year in the life? How about love?...." ~Rent (1996 broadway musical by Johnathan Larson)

Hello all, I return to you now on the the dawning of what proves to be an interesting summer. At long last I prepare to leave my home, my education begins, my closest friends and I seperate and it may be for good, a 16 year search for love will soon be ground to a halt to pursue knowledge and education, and I continue to keep a secret only Mr. Happy and Lips know. I face it all with great optimism. Oh, and I take a trip to Boston to visit Starfire for what might be my last vacation for a long time. Things are changing and for once I welcome the change. Right now im working and enjoying myself. I have late dinners with friends a lot, I play D&D quite often, I go to the beach and ponder things with friends, I have a new car which I like, but somehow things just dont seem right and I have that same lonely feeling I have always had and depression gets worse everyday though I fight back. I merely keep looking forward to the horizon.
I'm hoping that sometime ill find the time to go out with friends and drink a little and dance, I havent been dancing in a long time and im really bad at it anyway but I enjoy it. Sometimes you just need to get out there and have fun without too many thoughts of love, lust, romance, loss, school, hate, or anything else that can cloud the mind from enjoying a moment in time that doesnt consist of trying to voerthink the situation and just stop you from having fun with the people your with, enjoying their company, laughing that special laugh that comes from somewhere inside you and gives you this endorphined filled feeling, I look forward to the dar when someone, friend or lover or whatever can convince me to try something new that will allow me to just sit back and smile to myself and let go of this super tight hold I have over my life. Dont get me wrong the hold I have serves me well and I can control a lot of things to make my day to day life easier and I am amply rewarded for it by life but sometimes you dont want total control and in order to relax you need to let go and take it easy without having to be so uptight all the time. Sometimes people think im too uptight, that im arrogant, or that im too serious and most of the time I just ignore it but honestly that so isnt me and the people im close too will tell you that I cna be fun, I can be very happy and an enjoyable person to be around who likes to joke and flirt but that I get too caught up in things and I tend to overdramatize a lot. SO with any luck sometime ill get a chance to just go out somewhere with friends and enjoy a night or so of simple fun. So I think thats it for tonight, no big long speeches about life and how you should live it and a limited amount of self glorification, just a simple little post tonight. G'night all.


SVS

The Travelers Eyes Returned To The Stars To Search For A New Spirit

Quote Of The Day: "....You were the chosen one!!!... You were supposed to bring balance to the force not destroy it!!!...." ~Obi Wan Kinobi (Star Wars Episode II: Revenge Of The Sith)

Yep, I saw it already. Excellent movie, cant really give it enough compliments. It was everything I have ever wanted in a movie, the birth of a great and powerful evil, the corruption of the light and the rise of a shadow that soon eclipses the sun itself. But enough about that. Friends I am seeking a new co-author and it is because of something relating to balance. More and more I find that I am carrying all the weight in my novel, I have given my current co-author every chance to help produce but nothing comes of it. She ocassionally lends me a small idea here and there but ultimately does nothing and simply sits there with no thoughts at all. So now im in the amrket for a new one to share in title of auhtor and all benefits thereof. It is open to everyone, male or female, young or old but it must be a partnership that both parties contribute to the whole story. I write in fantasy as I write here. I write about power and nobility, the light and dark, corruption, betrayl, redemption of shadow, corruption of light, and all things dramatic. I need someone to help bring subtlety to all of this and to create equally powerful settings and charcters based around a brilliant storyline we create together. I can be reached at 541-290-4752, quixote_thoughts@yahoo.com Somoen for the love of the gods help with this. You need not have writing experience, you dotn even have to have read a fantasy story, although it would help, if you have one creative bone in your body that you want to develop and mold, if you have a vision of a great epic then bring it to me, let us develop it together.


SVS

The Traveler Continued To Face Down And Shout At The Heavens

Quote Of The Day: "Into the depths of madness we go, never stopping to consider if its healthy. We know only that we must and that are other concerns are tantamount to knowledge." ~Anonymous

I gotta say, that anonymous guy is 100 times popular than any other auhtor out there, must be gettin buko royalties by now. Dont ask me what exactly that means, kinda got to assume it was directed at something specific but I think we might garner from it that there is a point at which wanting something badly, something of a nature like knowledge, leads to insanity and obessesion and thats not always a bad thing. But take from it what you will.
So have I mentioned how much I hate my job lately? Its not really the work itself precisely, though that is a part of it, its more the enviroment and the ideals behind the work. To a lesser degree its some of the people involved with that work but not so much as past jobs. The principals behind it are simple, its greed and worse yet its greed hidden behind this mask of idealism that attempts to justify itself through things like "...we are providing quality customer service to our client and its customers, thereby providing and atmosphere of quality satisfaction.". I hate everything about that statement because it takes something that is horrible and ugly and tries to justify and make it beautiful, for me all it does is further prove that it is so horrible and so ugly that not even clever words and incredible stretches of justification cant help its image. But what can I say? Its corporate America, corporate any coutnry really but this is the one I live in so I have a better understanding of this one. Yeah im a conservative but I dont hold true to that label 100% of the time. Not overly fond of liberals and their ideals that they have this outlook that makes for a more moral and "equal" world but I'm not fond of the rampant greed that is so obviously seen in the conservative groups, (liberals have that greed to but they dont show it as well as the conservatives).
Lips, buddy, I know exactly how you feel. Its hard to balance school, work, and a social life, especially when you want the social part of it more than anything else somedays. Kidna wish I could honestly say that somehow I know its gonna get better and that all you have to do is be patient but I dont really believe that and im not one to say things I dont believe in unless im at work. I think that part of the reason we feel so.......shall we say frustrated and bound by our social situation is that somewhere we got the idea that this "social" promiscuity and need for a constant companion of a romantic nature is the norm. I'm not saying its not but I am saying that its possible that this is just an idea that was somehow ingrained into us perhaps by society or our own idealism and that with enough effort and concentration we can push past it or at least hold it off for the time being. I'd like to be more help here but unfortunately its something we all just have to hope gets better or solves itself and there is no garuntee of either happening.
So I was re-thinking my goal in life last night and im proud to say that I still very very much want to be a professor of Creative Writing and English Literature as well as a writer. Well to be hoenst I am a writer, just not a widely known one yet. I was thinking about what I might tell my students, other than the mechanics of both subjects, and I think that its important that I be honest with them. What would I tell a student who wants to be a writer for a career? Do it, if you think you have something to offer a large audience that would ensnare their minds and keep their eyes on your pages then by all means go for it but realize that every year the writers audience gets shorter and its becoming very competitive for readers among writers these days and you should have a secondary career that makes you just as happy with life. Ultimately if you write one poem then your already a writer but the true difference in what most people consider to be a writer is that the popular definition is a writer who writes then shares his or her writings with the world in an open and readily accessible forum by anyone who cares to read your work. The other type of writer is the one who writes and never shares it, there is nothing wrong with that and sometimes some things arent meant to be shared they are merely meant to be written and brought to life on a page.
To a literature student what would I say? Well literature isnt so much about reading and memorizing facts about authors dead and alive, its more about reading anything you can get your hands on and considering its various meanings. Why was it written? Who wrote it? What type of person were they? When did they write it? How long did it take them to write it? Did they want to write it or did they NEED to write it? Did have a point, if so what, if not then why write it? Did they believe what they wrote? Did they have anything to gain by writing it? Was there a risk in writing it? Is it acceptable for the time it was written in? What sex was the writer? What is the auhtors race? Did either of the previous questions have any bearing on what they wrote? Were they writing it for someone? Who were they writing it for? Was the author religious? Did that have any bearing on the writing? These are important questions because the better you understand the answers then the better you understand the writing itself and the many motivations behind it. Well thats it for now.

SVS

The Traveler Looked Up At The Heavens And Simply Yelled His Frustration

Quote Of The Day: "Anywhere you go, let me go to. Christine, thats all I ask of you" ~The Phantom (Andrew Lloyd Webers 'Phantom Of The Opera')

Evening friends, its been a bit since the last post I suppose. Id like to say that its because ive been busy or that I've had a lot to think about and couldnt find the time or energy to write here but it simply wouldnt be true. I cant even say that I've been too depressed to write. Rather I havent written because I found myself caught up too much in reality, a place I've often despised. I go to work, come home, get up in the morning and exercise when I can. I suddenly found myself in a place I have dreaded, complacity. I work in a cubicle damnit!!! I cannot tell you accurately how much I loathe my job, I hate knowing that what I do doesnt do ANYONE!!! any good whatsoever, that I a merely one of thousands who all do the same damn thing and not one of us truly does it any better than the other. I hate that I even started putting that job first above things id rather do in life. Money is one thing but my sanity and my pride are not for sale. I hate this place, this very hole of a void in the world. The people here are complacent and cowed, they feel so very little and know nothing of the greatness of the world around them. I was looking up on something, a memory and a thought of something long ago and I had a yearning to reach out to it, to listen to it unconditionally until it was done speaking because at the moment that I was looking at it I was feeling weak. I felt sorrow for it because I know the power and the passion that lies within, then the memory of what had happened returned I remembered that nothing so vile and nothing so undeserving of happiness will ever hold my sway again, ever bare witness to my weakest moments and be given full access to my counsel.
No, for my passion has returned and I am whole once more. My time here is quickly coming to an end and my journey to more is beggining. Rest assured that all the things that have come before and gone unanswered will return to haunt those that have wronged me and I alone will be their judge and pronounce their sentence and deal their punishment personally. To all those who know that my ire holds a special place for them, pray that I never fulfill my true potential because if I do I swear to you that I will return here and with every resource I have access to I will make sure that you feel the full weight of the misery life can bring. You will know poverty, you will know lonliness, and every immoral and illegal thing you have ever done will return to haunt you and ultimately bring you down. You are already beneath me but given time the rest of the world will see you for who you truely are, enjoy your time until then.
Was that a bit dramatic? Yes it was, but it is also true. Life is meant to be dramatic, we are not meant to be so lack luster as we often are. Good God half of you people are so dull, so undramatic that id be very much surprised to learn that you have enouch passion in all your mind to so much as ever show any of it. Who ever told you that its wrong to show that you arent dead yet, that you arent allowed to pledge your love to someone in a public forum or tell an enemy that they will rue the day they met you? This isnt wrong, this is life, this is how we are meant to be, we are not animals that have limits to the things they show. We are humanity and that carries a ring of passionate nobility with it. If you are angry then shout and yell it out so that everyone knows, if your in love then let the person know and fuel the flames of their passion as well, and if your happy then smile and do somethign to celebrate that happiness. If only we had stereos to play theme music for our moods. Think of all the organ music we would hear when someone is holding great amounts of dramatic anger in them, or how oftne the Vader March would play, how trumpets and bells would play to annouce the declaration of love, how many times at night we would hear Lady In Red or some various love song as two people realize their passion for each other. How grandeous would breakups be if they could only be put to music. Perhaps that a project to hink about for later. In fact that is somethign you should all do. Pick one or two songs for every emotion you feel in a day and play them for someone and let them guess what kind of day you had. And as im sure some of you are wondering, what would a typical day be like for Lord Shawn? Well there would be at least one song from The Phantom Of The Opera and then various things of little note during the day but then at night you would hear things like O'Fortuna, Colonne Sonore, Cannon in D, 'Come Fly With Me', 'I Need A Hero', and of course 'The Way You Look Tonight'. Perhaps 'Learn To Be Lonely' a bit too often but we all ahve our hangups I suppose. For now goodnight and learn to be passionate, learn to express yourself as you were emant to do. Oh and remember all great civilizations are built ont he back of slaves and serfs.

SVS

The Traveler Knelt In Prayer, Reflection On The Times Past

Quote Of The Day: "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived." ~Margaret Mitchell

Ok, I dont really know the author here but I do tend to agree with her. Taking what I know now to what I once believed, yeah I remember happier and better times where as some of the worse times and arguments I dont remember so well. I still talk about those good time with fondness and elaborate, happy memory. I dont dilude myself into thinking that something simplere could ever begin again, something that is fair to both, I dont want to make ammends or try and piece something so broken and shattered back together. God knows it was worth it and every bit of bad time is outwieghed massively by the good but it wouldnt be worth it to try and mend it. There would be jealousy, we would always have something nasty to use against one another, and no matter how hard we tried we'd get mad at one another for something and the war would be worse and the wounds deeper. This journal started because of her and I can honestly be thankful for that, its never been in me to hate for a long time, I cant hold it that long, eventually it fades away and becomes forgotten. In many way I suceeded in what I set out to do, I forgot the worst parts of her and now all that remains are memories of joy and some foggy memories of anger and a few old scars. No warrior should ever walk away from the battlefield without a scar because it means he wasnt fighting for all that he is worth and he has no honor, I have many scars and I intend to have more from other battles. Respect even your enemy, they deserve your appreciation because you deserve theirs. I treasure every worthy opponenent I have ever had just as much as every great allie because in the end I learned from both. There is a quote, I dont remember the author, but I have held it to be true for as long as I can remember "The difference between a friend and an enemy if that a friend stabs you in the front". Sometimes you lose friends because of it, but at least you know they did it for your own good. I hope She knows that I ran my blade through her front and never through her back just as she did for me, I saw the blade plunge into my stomach and for that im thankful. We inflicted deadly wounds on each other but we both lived and we faced each others eyes when we did it, we never stabbed one another in the back. I did have a friend lodge a knife in my back once, and while she put one through myf ront and cried he put it through my back and never even frowned and I knew him longer. THe funny part is that her I lost, him I still have, anyone have a trade offer? No? Eh, I dont blame ya.

SVS

A Wicked Smile, The Travelers Sword Was Sharp And He Was Experienced With It. But Storm Clouds Gather Ahead

Quote Of The Day: "Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance" ~Oscar Wilde

Mr. Wilde is a man full of useful information and truths. But here I am not so sure. After thinking about it a bit I suppose I will consent to this being another one of his profound truths, though it should not be taken for its precise wording but rather the implication fo the proper wording. What I believe he is saying is that men want to believe that even though their love may have been with other men before, he is her only "true" love whereas women can be a bit more flexible in their dillusions about their man. Women instead want to believe that even though her man may have loved others, she is his last love and that in the end is all that matters. Of course neither belief is totally healthy, romantic yes but not healthy. I will take time here to point out that I am speaking ONLY of heterosexual romance and love because that is whom I cater to and, for the moment, who I am. This should not in the least deter a homosexual person from taking truths from this blog but one should realize the audience it is being primairly written for. So, to get back on track, is it healthy to believe you are the world in which your lover lives? The blunt and totally ture answer is "NO!!!". However we are imperfect, flawed, emotional, loving, breathing, thinking human beings and not everything we do is healthy. Is it "ok" to think this way? Absolutely, for love is beautiful, warm, and should fill you from top to bottom with joy when you think of yourself as your lovers light and world in which they love only for you and you for them. Do I support over romantiscizing life and love to the fullest extent of the imagination? Damned right I do, there are complicated reasons why but the short explanation is because I worship Love like many people do God. To those Christians and other believers out there, God is NOT, I repeat NOT, love. There are aspects of love in religion and parts of it in your creation but Love is an entity all its own, it is not your mythical god, do not get my belief confused with your own.
I am taking this part here to stop anyone from reading onward if they are easily offended by their sexual preference or do not want to hear some slight negativity towards homosexualism. In no way do I wish to outwardly offend anyone and I preach nothing but tolerance and harmony towards all beliefs and preferances. Stop here if you cannot handle your preference coming under some attack.
That being said, I am going to talk about my BELIEF about homsexuality. To me, there is no greater slap in the face of almighty nature and Love in its most primal form then homsexuality. Does this mean I believe it to be "wrong"? Not in the least, but I do believe that the love sparked between a male and female relationship and that of a male-male or female-female relationship is anything near the same. Millions of years of nature, isntinct, the formation of galactic and worldly natures have come together to instigate the mating of male and female creatures, nature has gone so far as to make them biologically compatible. Every creature in nature has this instinctual drawing towards one anothers opposite sex up until the development of natures most gloriouss, yet blasphemous, creation, that of Humanity. This creature, much like a young teenager of its own race, chooses to be purposely defiant against its parents of Nature and Love and actually chooses to mate with the same sex in some cases. Defying millions of years of nature, emotional magnetic attraction created by the forces that shaped the cosmos truly empowers the human creature. Humans defy their parents this way to let them know that they can make their own choices. If all humanity did this though we would commit mass genocide of a kind. As we delve deeper into humanit individuals do it for different reasons. Some openly defy their human parents by doing it, some do it to be different, other for social reasons and most importantly some do it because it is the way they feel. The last reason is the only once I consider to be acceptable, feelign without explanation. If you do it because you have had too many bad experiences with women or men then you are nothing more than subject to the whims of the world and your own confusion and need someoen to take care of you because you are NOT self sufficient. But to those who feel for no reason, that is a beauty of its own. This doesnt justify it in the eyes of nature or Love but it is an excellent reason. So, how is the love not the same? The love between male and female is biological, emotional, historical, and natural. All those things serve to strengthen that bond and help to solidify it, whereas homosexual love is purely emotional, not one bit natural, humanitairly historical, or biological. This doesnt lessen the bond, it just makes it different and aloof from its mighty cousin. For my own purposes I will refer to the love between male and female as "true love" and the homsexual love as "Dissentious Love" (it means "defiant", basically). Though the moon shines bright and strong sometimes it has no comparison to the light that is the sun, it doesnt hold the same luminesent strength or warmth and indeed shines only because of the sun behind it but the light of the moon is not to be discounted as soemthing uniquely beautiful and wonderful, such is the nature of dissentious love in comparison to true love. Make no mistake though, dissentious love is a man made creation, born of mans defiance against his creators. But we are allowed our defiance, it is what makes us the unsurpassed masters of the planet, perhaps one day of the stars and it is why god and all his angels fear us and tremble in heaven. Through decisions we are amde more powerful than the gods because we are fickle and can turn upon thema t any moment or praise them for their gift of life to us and all they can do is sit and watch as the rising tide of humanity takes hold of the stars and begin to reach out into the universe seeking their creators for either worship or revenge. Dont believe me? Get your own damned blog and write about it then.

SVS

The Traveler Felt The Need To Practice With His Newly Honed Sword

Quote Of The Day: "And beauty is a form of genius.... is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is of the great facts of the world, like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in the dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon . It cannot be questioned. It has its divine right of sovereignty. It makes princes of those who have it." ~Oscar Wilde from The Picture of Dorian Gray

Never a truer phrase has ever been spoken, our Mr. Wilde was a man with unsurpassable talent for the pen. A great part of me idolizes Oscar Wilde because those that have read his works know precisely how over romanticized his writing is and how wonderful it is for that same reason. A lot of people tend to ignore those ancient romantic ways because they say that it gets you no where or that it is a lost art. Is is also said that in the face of rising equality, notions like chivalry, romantiscism, and what was once called "gentlmanly ways" are now termed inequal treatment, a "degrading" of the stature of a woman, and most heinous of all it is a homage to the subserviance of a woman unto a man. These liberal feminists have had their equal say in the matter, they have told us all what they believe and what they think about the matter and we must respect their opinions........ however, I have not yet had my say on the matter and I do intend to spell out my thoughts, beliefs, and the very facts of the matter. First off we switch to true red text because, as we all know, red is the color of passion, love, violence, and untameable strength. Second of all let us first know the nature of our enemy, those who degrade the ancient ways of romance and speak blasphemy against our lady of love. These liberal feminists are those who are TRULY un-equal to anyone elese because so terrible is their hate of themselves and what a woman is that they seek to try and blidn the world around them to whatever smattering of beauty that might be left within them and without them. The ideals of feminism do have a place in the world for too long woman WAS subservient to men in THIS country, but now women make just as much if not more pay than their male counterparts (although this is not 100% accurate all the time but it is better than what it once was) and women serve in government and all facets of great corporations. Women actors and singers have just as big a name as any man. However still the feminist Nazi's who championed great causes like the right to vote and equal pay now turn their attentions to the social facets of life. Now they lay siege to the fortresses of romance and seek to eradicate a romantic sentiment that has been around since before they were born. Why is it considered a threat to a womans equality when a man opens a door for her? What causes this notion in the minds of our female counterparts? Idiocy, moronic idealism, and a lack of common sense. We men are nto seeking to eradicate the equality of a woman when we open a door for her, rather we are raising her above our own heads so that the world may appreciate her better. Think about this, we know you can open the damned door, but we do it for you so that we might admire you more and show our appreciation of the fact that you are alive and well within the same world that we too occupy, this isnt an insult this is a form of great appreciation and one of the greater ways to truly give you equality. For those of you who really want to dive down and fight with me on this, yes I did say that WE "give" it to you because like it or not this entire world WAS once male dominated and while you fight for a lot of equality some of it MUST be given otherwise it is not TRULY equality, much like freedom equality must be given as well as taken. Chivalry is NOT a way of controlling a woman it is a way of appreciating her, whether she is a close friend or an unkown stranger. Most men do not feel the need to constantly control the women around them, rather most men feel the need to obey the women around them. In my generation the larger percentage of males were raised by either their mothers or other female presences. Women who choose to stay at home and raise their children and take care fo their home and family instead of having a career in some business are sacrificing NOTHING because being a mother and a woman who wishes to dedicate herself to ehr family is NOT an easy task and anyone who degrades a woman for choosing home over an office knows so little of the world and their own place in it that he or she barely deserves to live in it. Women have far more rights in this country than they realize, but they must also realize that we cannot ever be truly equal for it is a fact of medical nature that men CANNOT bare children and men do not ovulate therefore in true equality we are not. In the interest of fostering peace and trying to show my fair hand I turn my righteous gaze toward men. More so than that I am going to specifically single out one man as a testament to the iron clad force of balance in the world. This one man embodies everything that feminism stands against and his attitude toward women is so apalling that even I have to simply look away because I cannot stand him in that respect. I speak simply of Private Jackass, who shall now be called (because of promotion due to being a better tool of the murders we call war in the United States Army) Specialist Jackass. Our friend Jackass seems to see women as objects of pleasure and living sexual art. While this is ocassionally acceptable in the right situations he bears little respect for women unless he knows them personally and even then it is not always so because when they are out of hearing distance they suddenly become reffered to as "a piece of hot ass I enjoyed tapping" a direct quote from the Specialist. Men like this degrade the entire male society. There is no honor, no bravery, no intelligence of any kind in these men because they act the way they do because, like the Nazi femininsts, they feel no self worth and indeed they are worth very little anyway. Jackass is a friend of mine, a close and personal friend but I can see his behavior for what it is and I learned long ago to not condone or support his actions despite the long standing nature of our friendship. That being said I continue onwards. So what is it about these men that cause them to view women as nothing more than sexual meat and assume all women harbor great amounts of promiscuity? I can only deduce that this behavior is derived from the parents, specifically the nature of the father and the acts of the mother. In the case of Specialist Jackass its hard to say because I know only the polite and geneial sides of his parents and know little of their more private natures. But rest assured that we intelligent honorable men see these others as disgraces of humanity. Their ways of thinking are old and archaic, barbaric and totally without a smidgeon of honor or loyalty to themselves. These men are the same who constantly cheat on their girlfriends, wives, or what have you. These men are the same who sleep with the females that are the objects of their friends affections and then see no harm in it. We great men of intellect and honor do not harbor these others, indeed we damn them away from our minds. Again Jackass is one of my oldest friends but when it comes to romance and honor he has little and indeed Horse Boy has more in his hand than Jackass has in his whole body. Here is an interesting fact though, these dishonorable disgraces of male society care very little for the respectability or honor of women unless it coems to their mothers, than they defend them till vicotry or death. Why? Hard to say but I would suspect that it is because they secret away Freudian feelings for their mothers and hold them as the only valuable women in their lives. So what conclusion do we draw from this? We see that feminists and "macho" men are in actuality the same type of personality. Both have little worth and both have ideas that the truly intelligent person finds laughable and stupid, especially when these ideas are put into action in reality, than we truly see how inoperable these archaic and stupid beliefs really are when put to test. Our conclusion can be sumed up as being said that equality comes from appreciation and not alienation of the opposite sex. Instead of standing off against one another, glorify one another. More importantly we learn that romance is just a form of glorification, a much more personal and greater form, that chivalry is a glorification of a woman by a man, and that enlightenment holds no place for feminists or the "dominant macho man".
Now I realize I may have a mixed audience of varying opinions that are different from mine own and that perhaps some of this may have been interpreted as offensive or even rude so I feel it my honorbound duty to say that.................................deal with it you stupid whiners, this is my page, my time, and you came here WILLINGLY, you kept reading of your own volition and NOTHING is stopping you from pushing the "X" in the corner of the page but yourself. Please address all complaints, concerns, ideas, and notions that you think you have a better understanding of anything I say than I do to either Quixote_Thoughts@yahoo.com or the dark lord of hell when you get there. Have a pleasent evening :-)

SVS

In His Medatative State Thoughts Of Starships Lingered On The Travelers Mind

Quote Of The Day: "Females and finances dont mix"
~Rule Of Acquisicion #94

I couldnt agree more, woman+money=trouble and woman+large sums of money=disaster. Then you have woman+man+money=big problems, but most importantly of all man+large sum of money / woman= bankruptcy. Ok, ok this is 100% true but in a lot of cases it does hold true. Of course men have their fare share of financial problems but I am a man and this is MY blog so ill just ignore that and not talk about that side of it. No, im not kidding I really am going to ignore it, this isnt an essay and I definately dont have to be fare or cater to both sides. For those of you who havent noticed, and I know at least 1 of you have, I've been using Star Trek quotes a lot. Why? Well mostly because I love Star Trek, and yeah im a bit of a trekkie, I have Trek ringtones on my cell phone (541-290-4752).
So lately Ive felt somewhat inspired to do more writing, although it hasnt been on my novel its been for poetry. And ill eventually post the poetry in the archives but for now ill just slap them in here for the time being. So without further ado I give you two new poems, handcrafted by yours truly.
Moses Cries

In winters fire the heavens bloomed,
life radiated its blessed gift upon the world,
but in our garden of forever we sought escape.
Though the path be long, and the price terrible,
we planted within ourselves the fruit of damnation
and it grew stronger each day obscuring our eyes,
for its flowers are heavily pollinated and we all have its allergy.
There are those who speak of saviors from above
or pledge to those below for salvation but…….
it is we few who know the truth,
the truth of the power within each of us.
Not some ancient faith, or prayer to beings beyond
but a belief in ourselves, salvation through self redemption.
Unto our fellows we must pledge our faith, together as one race
so that the universe may tremble at our mighty feet,
the very cosmos bend to the singular will of our individuals.
Place your faith not in your creator, or on your judge.
Instead place it in who and what you are so you may lift us all.

Shawn V. Stengar March 30th, 2005

The Freedom Of Religion

We are gathered here today to pay tribute,
tribute to a fallen comrade, but mostly to a friend
Here, on his field of battle, we lay him to rest
mindful of the joy he brought to us in life,
mindful of the joy he brings our hearts even in death,
and especially mindful of his sacrifice for us.
Saddened are we, not by his loss, but by our loss of him
for he now knows no pain, no sorrow.
Indeed today is a great day for him
for today his energy is given back unto our earth,
his body returned to the soil from whence it came,
and the wisdom of his mind released to the cosmos.
Parts of him live on in our memories and in our hearts
These pieces of him in each of us form a whole,
so that he is never truly gone until we are.
So long as each of us live, so to does he.
Treasure yourselves and give glory to all mankind,
ignore your gods, for it is we that truly how sway,
and command the forces of life and death.
For so long as even one of us lives
then none truly die and we are immortal,
everlasting in our own grace,
free from the shackles of our gods.

Shawn V. Stengar March 31st, 2005

So there you are, my newest creations. You can always find my other works on Http://www.poetry.com under Shawn Stengar Theres other works on there that I may or may not have posted before. Enjoy if you want. If you want to give CONSTRUCTIVE critiscm on my COPYRIGHTED works then please do so by addressing your comments to Shawn V. Stengar at Quixote_Thoughts@yahoo.com I really do welcome CONSTRUCTIVE critiscm, and of course I always welcome glowing praise. Well goodnight all, time for bed again.

SVS

Now The Traveler Sat In Deep Thought, Meditating For The Long Road Ahead

Quote Of The Day: "Mr. Spock the women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim" James Tiberius Kirk (Elaan Of Troyius)

Mmmm, I cant help but agree here. Seldom do you find a woman who is the least bit logical in her true nature. Not that im complaining, I love an illogical woman, makes the arguments more entertaining, the flirting more lively, and......well some things are better left to the imagination. I think this evening friends our post will be all about the glorification of women. Some guys love timid, shy women who draw their gaze without having too try. Other guys enjoy women who are bold but subtle, some prefer light of the mind and heavy in the chest. But what does your Lord Shawn like? Most people automatically guess that I prefer shy, light of the mind, and heavy of the chest. I cannot help but fin this more laughable, although understandable due to the fact that my last intrest was DEFINATELY light of the mind and somewhat chesty. However, I prefer bold, intelligent, clever, subtle, witty, and sarcastic. Many of you know about my preference for redheads but that definately isnt a requirement since reheads generally arent subtle, clever, and usually fair of intelligence. Although that not 100% true. Now I have nothing against the gay community, I really dont but I dont think I could ever truly be gay. Not because I have some archaic notion of some stupid notion of it being morally wrong but rather I am so in awe of the female form, the veryd esign of women. Ahh well im off to bed.

SVS

Tonight The Traveler Sharpened The Steel Of His Vorpral Blade, Again Preparing For The Journey Ahead

Quote Of The Day: "Nobody understands you in this century unless you swear every other word. You'll find it in all the literature of the era: Jackelyn Susann, the novels of Harrold Robbins." -James Tiberius Kirk

Ahh, too true. It seems the younger generations of this world, mine included, seem to be pre-occupied with swearing in order to convey a point. Its like the man said "...and good authors too, who once knew better words, now only use four letter words...." (Frank Sinatra- Anything Goes). But what causes this pre-occupation and slander/abuse of the language? Rebellion against polite and acceptable society, rebellion against religon, rebellion against the older generations, basically just pick a reason. But these days its perpetuated by TV, Movies, Books, magazines, everything around us. But rather than fight it I say f*%k it and accept it now as a part of the culture. What I really wanted to do tonight was rant about religion and Christianity. But after arguing with someone about it tonight who A) doesnt know his history, B) his science, C) or even his Bible its kinda put me off a little. Its ridiculous really, he is the type of guy who is nice and kind and all but says shit like "gays go against gods will and they are commiting vulgar evil acts of perversion", or calls them "fags", or says sterotypical things about mid-eastern cultures and such. It drives me insane that these people are so vain and confident in their beliefs that they have the first and last say in what is evil and what isnt. The fact they believe in pure forms of good and evil speaks of how mornonic they truly are. Evil or Good both have no known pure forms. Although I disagree about some of the behavior of gay rights activists I dont for one moment believe they are evil or impure or perverted in nature. I support the right to choose your sexual preference, a woman right to choose what to do with her body, an individuals rights to choose and pay for sex change operations. If there is a god, I sure dont believe he would be so petty as to deny a person access to heaven because of their sexual preference. I have gay male friends, gay female friends, and I cant ever imagine hating them for their choices, its not even in me to think of their choice as anything but natural because thats the way I was raised to beleive, that people are people no matter their choices. I have friends from all different religions; Wiccan, Christian, Muslim, Buddahist, The Followers Of Lucifer (ask me about it sometime), Catholic, Jewish, and probably a few I've forgotten. But this guy I soemtimes talk to is one of those ignorrant christians who dont even know their own belief very well much less be able to pick apart someone elses. I for one find the Bible to be fascinating, mostly the old testament. Mostly I ignore beliefs in other religions I worship only the light of Love and the beauty of Life. Personally im mostly straight, I love Women. The very nature of women, their way of being and generally everything about them stirs the passionate chords within me. I acknowledge that men too have their own uniqueness, men have a certain sculpted art to them, a muscle physique you dont usually find in women, certainly a macho confidence that is uinque primairly to males. But I choose to be attracted to women, having an intimate knowledge of both sides helps though. I firmly believe that our society is progressing to a more accepting way of being. Well its off to bed again, take care and goodnight.

SVS

The Traveler Readied His Armor, Ready To Soon Put In On For Defence In The Long Journey Ahead

Quote Of The Day: "Losing family helps us to find our family. Not necessarily the family that is our blood, but the family that may become our blood." William Forrester (Finding Forrester-2000)

Well apologies that I havent been writing much, not really a whole lot to say or tell at the moment. Little tired of self glorification at the moment too, so that kinda limits our forum here doesnt it? lol, really just looking forward to sometime off after this next term. Hoping to take a week and go camping in the eastern part of the great redneck sandbox that is Oregon. Id like to go with a bunch of close friends but even if its just me and just oen of them id be happy cause I just want to go camping, its something I enjoy doing, its relaxing for me. I want to go hike around Fort Rock and just enjoy myself without worries for a bit. Believe it or not this much is taking a loooooong time to write. Well its off to bed for the remainder of the night.

SVS

The Traveler Could Nearly See The Border Of His Homeland Ahead And Smiled As He Prepared To Cross It

Quote Of The Day: "Dont try to be a great man, just be a man and let history make its own judgments." - Zefram Chocrane

Finally friends we are coming near the great turning point, the portal to the mighty beyond, our steps into the world echo with greatness. At last the last trimester here at SOCC in little North Bend has arrived. Beyond this last segment lies the a summer for thought, a time when one must make his appeal to his gods to oversee the future in which he himself will be made a god and ascend to greatness. As always, knowledge is my future but there is something else ahead of me, a shadow that obscures my sight. For the first time I am free of all ties that bind me here. The last one severed leaving me open to the world around me. TIll now I have lingered in this place, haunting the remains of somethjing I did not want to let go of, but now the bonds are cut, my future free, the Traveler nears the border of his homeland and prepares to cross it at last into the trackless expanse of hte world beyond. However some will never know this freedom and we who are about set out to conquer and subjigate this world in our own name salute Her and Her kind. May she never leave this squallid hell hole and forever be bound to it for the crimes of immorality, stupidity, and bad judgment, with Her Wonderboy will also forever stay Ive no doubt. He too is a casulty of a war fought by your great Lord Shawn, in truth he was slave to my will and servant to my mind. But him I pitty, it was an acident that he was lost so, that he was reducded to little more than a sad whimpering hump of humanity. He was made so because I drained him of any intelligence and usefulness to the world. She was conquered by my sheer will, I had a great fondness for her but like all those who do not understand greatness she fled in fear and fled directly into a hole which she cannot escape. My forces have left the field and the fighting is done, now it is time to move on and conquer the next foe. Ashland and her people shall be next, though I come for knowledge now and not war, though I may well find it in some. This Lord and his forces hail to the conservatives who are constantly besieged in that little town and we go to drive back the liberals, perhaps we may restore morality after all.


SVS

Again, The Traveler Began His Long Journey, Turning His Attention Towards Other Things

Quote Of The Day: "We may believe all we wish but truth will always be." ~anonymous


Belief can be a funny thing, sometimes a totally rational intelligent person can take something simply and obvious and twist it completely around so that it fits their purpose. We know this to be true because we have seen it many many times in the past. Numerous religious groups have that human ability to their advantage both in present and in the past, and no doubt in the future. Nazi Germany was masterful at it, it turned it into a veritable art. Politicians are Rembrandts of this art. But these are just examples of how it is used in a less than positive way. But before I keep going there is one thing you must remember, that for good or bad this is a form of deception meant to deceive the listeners into believing something that is NOT true. So, where else is this deception used? You might be surprised. Liberals often use this deception when trying to pull upon your heart strings so that you will give your support in pulling down companies that truly are NOT violating law, violating morals and ethics? Definitely but not the law. What exactly are we talking about here? Sweatshops, places where people are payed ridiculous wages in exchange for long days of grueling work. Is this morally right? No. Is this ethically right? No. Is it lawfully wrong in the countries where they do it? No. If this was in the United States it would be against our laws but the fact that they do it in countries that allow it means that they do not violate one single law because they are NOT enslaving anyone. Liberals will try and tell you that this is slavery, its not. So long as the person is payed even a fraction of a penny then it is defined as payment. The difference between trade and slavery is choice, so long as there is a choice it is not slavery. Liberals are masterful at trying to make you look at everything but the simple truth. Yes it’s a horrible choice to not work and starve yourself and possibly family but scavenging for food but it is a choice. The fact that you do not FEEL you cannot afford that CHOICE doesn’t change the meaning of it, it doesn’t take away that option, it simply means you do not WANT to take that choice. Now its not true that they deceive us on purpose, the fact is that some of them actually believe what they’re saying, and its not hard to see how they might not be able to face the truth. Some of them do do it on purpose and its not always easy to tell which is doing it for what reason. Liberals aren’t limited to this either, conservatives have a reputation for doing it too. The reason why I feel the need to focus on the liberals this evening is because they are the ones who protest more innocence and caring. How much can you care if you deceive so much?

SVS

His Sword Bloodied, The Traveler Sat Down Against A Tree On The Edge Of A Great Field

Quote Of The Day: "Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can beordered for a single purpose?" ~Dracula (Bram Stokers: Dracula, 1992)


Well I'm back, more or less, a little brusied and bloodied from the preverbial fields of battle but Ive survived and lived to fight another day. Did I retreat? No, I can honestly say I stood my ground, fought, and gave it my all until a silence settled over the battlefired. Was I victorious? Well, sometimes in war there is no victor, both sides simply lose resources and end up ceasing to fight and go home, such is the case here. I lost a lot but so did the other side. So where does that leave your glorious Lord? I'm a Lord who is tired of fighting for the moment, though that doesnt mean I wouldnt stand up and fight again if I had to. Love, my friends, is truly a battlefield, no matter hwo corny that is it is completely accurate. For now I leave that field of battle and fall back with my remaining forces to heal wounds, get rest, and perhaps get a new perspective. The only thing worse than losing a battle is not winning it but not losing it either. As always my allies were waiting just behind the drawn lines, waiting to offer comfort and support. But we cannot hope to forever rely upon them for they too fight their own battles across the fields of eternity. When they say that love is a battlefield its true but it should also be explained that love is only a battlefied, life is the war we fight and we fight against death and unhappiness. The point of the battle with love is to fight as hard as possible and, depending upon who your are, to either win, lose, or join forces. If you win you end up dominating the other person thorughout life, if you lose then you are dominated, but for me I seek an alliance to combine my forces and their so that together we can forge ahead in the war together. In the case of friends, they are merely allies, but when you join with someone in the battle of love you are more than allies you are one whole force. Right now I am Lord Shawn and I stand alone on the fields of eternity facing down my enemys with wavering honor, and failing courage. I seek an ally to bolster my forces and my strength. There are very very very few of us who can stand alone in this war and live to a natural age, we simply do not have the strength to varry on without another, our strength fails and we lose our mettle. And yes, it must be a female ally, for me men dont hold what I need. I tend to believe that most of us seek the opposite sex because it is the combination of the two sexes that form together to make a more perfect union, a coupling that enables both to bear the weight of the world because they each have unique talents that help. With a same sex alliance its different you merely bolster what you already have instead of forming something new, and theres nothing wrong with that, its merely a choice. I'm far more interested in creating something new and different than bolstering what I already have. I know what men are like, and its great to be a man but I wouldnt want to live with one forever and share each portiong of my life with one. Instead I find that women hold much more appeal but I do not discredit those who choose the same sex, blessings to all and to each one for just making a choice can be the hardest thing in life.
My apologies for not posting sooner but theres been a lot I had to think about and I really did feel like being alone, I still do a little, but I figured it had been long enough. Unfortunately I have also found that relying upon various friends to carry through with things that might have made me feel a little better and perhaps given them something in return can be hopeless. I dont feel badly towards any one particular friend, its just that actually relying on some of them is something I cant apparently do.

SVS